CQM Blog: Concepts That Build Christ-Likeness

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Marriage | Hurting Emotionally Spiritually and Physically in Your Relationship

A Crushed and Shut Down Heart by Anonymous

I have always admired your zest for life, you determination, the fact that you are never afraid of hard work.  Remember the monster tree you tried to rescue off the side of the road and plant in your yard?  Not to mention the many businesses you started and worked with much success over the years.  When you set your mind to a job you don’t see obstacles you see possibilities.  You have always been a great provider for our family and you have been and are an even greater dad to our three boys.

You take time to talk to them, to snuggle with them, to play and wrestle with them, to take them fishing, to learn their Nintendo games; you even have participated whole heartedly in helping with their home schooling.  You have been determined not to do to your boys what your dad did to you.  Who could ask for a better dad in the entire world?

I have always desired the best for your life and wanted to see the best in you; however as your wife and partner in life, I have been very wounded by the relationship or lack there-of that we have shared.  You have hurt me by failing to nurture me emotionally, spiritually and physically.  But you were capable of it because you did it for our boys and other people.

Soon after we were married, it hurt me deeply to realize that you did not love me.  On our honeymoon you were more interested in all the other sights and activities than me.  I have often wondered why you married me.  It hurts me to think that maybe I met all the items on your check list for the things you wanted in a mate. I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT LOVING ME THE WAY A HUSBAND IS MEANT TO LOVE HIS WIFE.

Just like in college with your sports, it has humiliated me that our whole life I have followed you around helping you, encouraging, sacrificing, trouble shooting, and cheering you on, but you have never turned around to see and appreciate that person that has been beside you.  I thought if I was a good enough wife, if I loved you enough you would love and appreciate me back.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT APPRECIATING ME OR MY ROLE IN OUR MARRIAGE.

I used to love to put notes and gifts in your lunch box or brief case, hearts on your pillow, plan fun dates for us each week and plan vacations together, but it crushed me when you hardly ever acknowledged or even seemed to notice these details.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT ACKNOWLEDGING MY ATTEMPTS TO SHOW YOU LOVE.

It hurt me when I would buy a new dress or out-fit and ask you how you liked it and you’d say it’s ok.  When I asked you why you didn’t tell me more often that you loved me or that I’m beautiful you told me that you weren’t into flattery and only say things when you mean them.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL UNLOVELY IN YOUR EYES.

It angered me that the only times you would say I was beautiful was in front of other guys in question form.  Isn’t she beautiful?  As if I was some trophy you would take off the shelf and dust off to show, and then put it back.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR ANGERING ME IN THIS WAY.

I was devastated that you did not like to hug me or kiss me much.  Not even when we were making love.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF AFFECTION WITH ME.

It hurt and frustrated me night after night when you refused to come to bed with me even though you knew I could not sleep well until you did.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR LEAVING ME WAITING FOR YOU EVERY NIGHT.

It grieved me to think that it was the pornography that was keeping you from me, keeping you from seeing me as beautiful, keeping me from measuring up.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR REPLACING ME WITH THIS ADDICTION.

It hurt me that most of our arguments and fights some how ended up being my fault and I had to take the initiative to say I’m sorry even when it wasn’t me.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR UNWILLINGNESS TO SAY I’M SORRY.

It hurt me that you didn’t believe in me.  I did not become the woman or person I could have been today.  I sacrificed all I could have been for your needs, to help you become all that you could be and I never got any credit.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT BELIEVING IN ME.

It crushed my spirit when during sometimes of my deepest sorrows and need for you, you left me suffering by my self because you did not want to talk about it any more.  You wanted to move on and I couldn’t.  My life became lonelier and lonelier.  I was dying inside.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR FAILING TO STAY BY MY SIDE AND COMFORT ME.

It made me want to give up when I would suggest over the years that we read a marriage book together, listen to tapes, go on a retreat or get counseling because you were never interested.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR LACK OF INTEREST IN IMPROVING OUR MARRIAGE.

It hurt me that some times you would make promises to change in some specific area of our relationship and the changes would only last for a few days.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR BREAKING THESE PROMISES.

I felt so devastated when you said that it was too much work to do the things necessary to improve our relationship.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR YOUR UNWILLINGNESS TO WORK AT OUR RELATIONSHIP.

It hurt deeply and I began to give up after I boiled my needs from our relationship down to two simple practical forms of affection, to come to bed with me most night, and to kiss me when you left and came home from work, and you could not find it in your heart or find it important enough to give these to me.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT ATTEMPTING TO MEET MY MOST BASIC HEART FELT NEEDS.

It frustrated me that your workaholic habits, always over committing your self, left our relationship and family life in last priority.  For 16 years you made a choice not to value me or put me first in your life.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR PUTTING OUR RELATIONSHIP AND FAMILY LAST.

It confused me that you never wanted to wear your wedding ring; the one symbol or your commitment to me.  I RELEASE YOU FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT WEARING YOUR WEDDING RING.

It hurt and embarrassed me that you didn’t buy me presents for birthdays and Christmas because you said you didn’t know what to get me.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR LACK OF THOUGHTFULNESS IN GIVING GIFTS.

It hurts me to realize that in a few short weeks a drunken old Mexican knew more about me, my likes and dislikes than you have in 16 years.  I RELEASE AND FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT TAKING THE TIME OR INTEREST TO GET TO KNOW THE PERSON THAT GOD MADE ME TO BE.