CQM Blog: Concepts That Build Christ-Likeness

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Marriage | Why Husbands Change After They Say “I Do”

Marketing Mode – Young and in Love by Nancy Nair

Something happens to a couple after they say I DO!  You can’t imagine the number of wives who have said they wonder if their husband had a brain transplant at the altar. He just wasn’t the same after they said I DO.  It happens so many times; there is a need to understand what that “something” is.

Basically, before marriage, when a man sees a woman he is attracted to he instinctively, automatically switches into “Marketing Mode.”  His goal, as a man, is to “sell” himself to her. So instinctively, he will do those things that will present himself favorably. Because he is interested in her she will become a high priority.  He will spend as much time with her as he can.  He will date her.

Neither she nor he is aware that he has switched into Marketing Mode.  And yet, every time men do this, almost all women are taken in by it.  Of course, once the marriage has taken place (and sometimes prior to marriage), since the “sale” has obviously been accomplished, his instincts tell him that he no longer needs to operate in Marketing Mode.  When that happens, his wife knows that something serious has taken place while he is completely oblivious.

Because he has switched back into his “every-day-man mode, he stops prioritizing her. He stops dating her.  He has new priorities now; work, housing, etc.  In all this, no one ever suspects that the problem is really a spiritual problem.  He is, and always has been, functioning mechanically.  He needs to become spiritually functional so that he can be loving to his wife. 

But a man should never stop dating his wife; the desire in a man’s heart to have special times with his wife should never cease.  It is that attitude that keeps a marriage alive. Being with him and knowing that he wants to be with her is what makes a girl continue to stay in love with her man.  It’s like she thinks in her head I am very special to him, and he wants to be with just me.

Instead, it is like all of a sudden after they get married he doesn’t want to spend that special time with her. It is confusing to a girl who thinks she is everything to him.  I don’t think a man dates for the same reason as a girl dates, I think it is all mechanical he enjoys the feeling of knowing he is special to her.  

If you keep watching a young wife who thought that it would be the same after marriage as it was before you can see her becoming really sad in her spirit. If you watch her long enough you will see a big change in her. She will think there is something wrong with her, so some start dressing sexy. Some will start shopping a lot. Or, she may apply herself totally into her job from which she gains the feeling that she is worth something.

It is almost beyond belief that most of the time he doesn’t even see that she is hurting. Because she doesn’t want to upset him she will act like everything is okay while crying on the inside. How can a man know that there is something wrong if you don’t tell the truth to him even if it upsets him?  Usually he is so busy trying to handle life and sometimes even a new baby is in the picture and he will miss what is going on in his home. Trouble with a wife not sharing her heart is that it will only get worse. It will never just stay as it is. So don’t be afraid to get help while your troubles are small and are easier to work out.

It makes me sad to see two young people who started out so in love, in just a short time start hurting each other. This does not have to happen if a man will put into actions the same attitudes of attentiveness he demonstrated while they were dating each other. He should reprioritize everything, love first, everything after that, including money.