Dear Mr. Ken Nair,

I wanted to write you and thank-you for writing your book Discovering the Mind of a Woman.  It was recommended to me by Bela a young man from Hungary at a Seventh Day Adventist Retreat area.  I frankly told him I had given up on all Christian books about how to be married.  He said, “Then get it for your son so he will be able to learn a better way to be married than what he saw growing up.”

 The book was in the retreat’s store and I picked it up and opened it about in the middle to “check it out,” through still scornful.  Still thinking to myself, “They all say the same thing and I have tried it as hard as I can and it doesn’t work for the woman.  Christian marriage books only help men get their needs met.  It’s manipulative religion at it’s worst.” 

The page it opened to was the one with the bold heading, “the strong willed wife.”  I knew that would be me.  I read it and it was like you’d been following me around for years; totally on the mark.  It was spooky.  I closed the book and said, joking to myself, “I’ll get it for my son…after I read it myself.”

I so appreciated your words about how women don’t get divorced because they want to… they usually do it to stop the pain.  I couldn’t believe the section in “Let’s Get Real” – All your descriptions about how the typical wife has to examine herself for respectfulness, relaxed body posture, casual tone of voice, pleasant look and soft-spoken gentleness in her approach.  I had just had a conversation with my husband where I had to maintain this “respectful, soft, uplifting façade” and yet try to explain to him how I really felt.  Even then he said I was attacking him and being hostile which brought me to tears out of frustration.  I am trying to stop thinking about it but can’t get it out of my head.  I felt lower than a dog after it was over.  I avoided him for a week and only spoke when spoken to as much as possible.

I am convinced that the way “wives submit to your husbands” is misused and hammered on over and over is a contributing factor behind the Christian divorce increasing to match the rate of the secular world.  It’s grievous for a Christian woman because we not only walk away from our marriage we walk away from the Bible saying to ourselves, “It doesn’t work.  Jesus doesn’t, God doesn’t, Christianity doesn’t work.”

When I was in Medical School I remember three Christian men all going through a divorce telling each other,” If she would just submit this could all be avoided.” 

You think a woman wants to divorce someone who is illustrating Christ?  Hardly.

So mostly this is a letter saying thank you.  Even though I don’t know it’ll help my marriage, it was freeing to hear that how I’m struggling is common, and it’s not just, something is wrong with me.  I did use your book to encourage myself to be more Christ like.

That is my upward calling too.  I think you have a huge upward battle to convince men that they need to see this helpmate thing in a whole new paradigm.  I’m sure you know that.  But here’s my letter of encouragement.